Why James?
by Akira Ichijouji
Summary: This is rambling. This is straight from the part of my mind that I know is off its rocker. Peter Pettigrew thinks about why he did what he did to James...Slash hints.


A/N: Talk about depressing. I nearly cried writing this (just because I was upset anyway). Has anyone ever thought why Peter betrayed James and Lily and the rest of his friends? "Because he's evil" is not an answer. Everyone has to have a reason for acting the way they do, and I don't think Peter is any different. Back in MWPP days Peter was a nice guy (which many people seem to overlook when writing fics). So this is my take on why Peter did what he did, told probably while Sirius was still in Azkaban. (If you don't notice, he's kind of going in and out of insanity throughout the whole thing. "Kind of" doesn't even begin to describe.)  
  
This is pointless and rambling and sucks, and I'm sorry. I just had to get it out of my system.  
  
Warnings: Slash hints, insanity, incoherent babbling. (That's me in a nutshell.)  
  
  
  
Why James?  
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By Akira Ichijouji  
  
  
  
I'm sorry, Prongs.  
  
But I had to.  
  
Do you understand what it is like to fall in love with someone and have the one person who matters most to you in the whole of existence fall desperately in love with someone else?  
  
Of course you don't.  
  
Lily Evans was your everything. You were hers.  
  
You were =mine=.  
  
Oh James, what have I become? A small part of me asks this every day...through the pain and the insanity and the burning of the Dark Mark on my arm I think about you sometimes. I try not to think that you're dead, that I killed you, that I caused Padfoot to waste away in Azkaban.  
  
Everybody makes mistakes.  
  
I keep on making them.  
  
You were always so perfect, Prongs. Your eyes were so large and so obscure and so so deep deep brown like deep gashes across the grass and like water that has been stirred up by something inexplicable in the depths and like ebony bleached with tears. When I was younger and didn't know any better lightening would strike deep inside me and explode into an inferno every time those eyes would dart across mine. You should never have been given over...  
  
Do you seen what you have done? You killed me...killed me...for years and years and years I have been dead inside...I can't stop...  
  
Please let me stop...  
  
I used to be kind. I used to be just like the rest of you, naive and innocent and taking all the life we held in our hands as much at a time as possible...I can't remember your face, Prongs...I try and try to remember but all I can see is a pair of glasses and a lot of black hair...I can't remember your face...  
  
At least you got to die, James...  
  
I'm in torture every day, James...  
  
I never got to touch you the way I wanted to touch you, James...  
  
You never even knew, James...  
  
I killed you, James, you killed me, James...  
  
James James James...  
  
If I say it enough your name loses its meaning to me...it's just a word I can say if I want to, just like all the others. I never even told you how I wanted you to capture me, take my lips in yours and touch me and love me and hold me to you and into you and around you and intertwined with you.  
  
I loved you so much, Prongs.  
  
I was such an idiot. I'm filled with disgust as I think of it.  
  
But am I any better now? Of course not.  
  
When I go to sleep I think of you James...I dream of you, James, and I wake up thinking it's true but it's not and I sink deeper and deeper down through the blackness and the cold and the burning burning pain and finally I'm at the bottom but I still dream of you.  
  
Tell me you love me.  
  
You had to had to had to have loved me...I can't take it...I couldn't take it then and I can't take it now even though you're dead and I killed you...  
  
Do you understand what it's like to be so completely rage and hate that you would do anything to hurt someone you used to love?  
  
He told me he wouldn't kill you.  
  
He promised.  
  
I pleaded with him and he killed you anyway.  
  
Take me now, James, we'll never get another chance.  
  
We're alone together, Prongs -- Moony and Padfoot are in the library and they won't be back for an hour or so.  
  
I waited for you to get back from Quidditch practice and there's nobody in the Common Room.  
  
Can't you see Lily doesn't love you the way I do? Just kiss me and see.  
  
Run your hands through my hair and let your tongue touch my throat...taste me, James, you'll see...you'll see...you'll see...  
  
See what you've done? I'm crying. Serves you right for hurting me.  
  
Please, please, James, take my hand, I'm shaking, I need you  
  
I'm sitting at the bottom of something dark and deep and I'm frightened and it's cold so cold so cold  
  
Without you James I'm without you and I can't tell where I am  
  
There's too much agony and darkness and flashing hurtful lights and I'm confused, James  
  
I can't live without you I never lived with you you never were mine to begin with and you're not mine now that you're gone  
  
Please please James come back I love you  
  
I love you love you love you  
  
I never said that to you, James and you never knew how I ached for you every day of my life until I died  
  
I wish the darkness around me would numb me but it only freezes me from the outside and it never reaches deep enough for comfort even though I plead for it every time you're in my head  
  
Please, James, please James come back come back...  
  
Long ago  
  
I wish I died  
  
That's wrong I have died but I can't leave because I know you'll be there when I do  
  
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Owari  
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End file.
